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im slowly going more and more crazy. sleep isnt helping anymore and its like their sole purpose at work is to make me feel and treat me like shit. i wish i had someone to talk to.... i feel like crying so bad right now but i cant, theres just this empty numb feeling in my chest. i want to sleep more but my nieghbor constantly plays loud music that shakes the walls. its like i was put here to just suffer...evrything around me fucks with me....i dont want to work tonight |
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Apr. 30th, 2005 @ 02:57 am
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to prove otherwise ... i tried last night. despite my gut instinct telling me to stay home... i went out anyways, tried to talk to people, tried being friendly, tried pretending everything was all good, tried fitting in , and im back to where i always am.
I dont know if i could ever learn my lesson. I need to just stay away from everyone and shut the fuck up. I dont belong in their world and never will. |
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Alone...always so alone. In crowds...anywhere. Sometimes i wonder if i even exist. This existence feels like torture at times. Here in my dark room staring at my computer screen thinking and feeling nothing. No one calls and when i try to interact with people its like im not there. This monotonous emptiness is killing me, twisting my mind towards some kind of sick perversion... People come but they dont stay long, sooner or later i alienate them or they just go away, they forget and move on.
There is no one for me and there never will be.... I should know this by now, after so many years of trying so hard, waiting so long, like all my emotional pain and suffering would somehow be rewarded, like all of the bullshit and emptiness isnt for nothing. I dont know what to do with this life that was given to me. I dont have a desire to be anything or do anything much anymore. All i care for is sleep, some kind of oblivion where i dont have to think or even be.. because none of this makes any sense to me at all. The point of working your entire life away so you can retire and die....trying to live for others who would only abandon me in the end...trying to find meaning in everything that never fills the bottomless gaping hole of emptiness that is me.
Lord knows ive tried... Tried telling myself all of this... after dealing so long is how its meant to be, that its not so bad after all, that things will get better, that ill find my way someday, Tried time after time to be myself, to try to know and love someone, to be social, to fit in... but reality slams my face into a brick wall and reminds me that i cant rely on myself, that eventually i will fall from these clouded dreams that keep me going everyday, that i will return back to this place i am in... I know love would be the answer but im even denied that. I look at other people sometimes and wonder what it would be like to not be fucked up, to not be alone, and then the anger sets in ...and then the lonliness and pain. So i try not to be around people...so im not reminded, but basic human nature tells me i need people. its a crazy circle im stuck in...not wanting but needing at the same time.
I would give anything to just be. to not have to worry about bills, or working so i can have food to eat or a home to sleep in. i just want a simple life where im cared for where only the small things matter,...
...but thats just a far fetched dream.Current Mood:  blank |
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It's 5am now... I woke up at 4 am after trying to sleep and re-adjust my schedule for day shift this week but couldnt. There was a certain level of anxiety that kept me up. Normally I work graveyard shift and have been working graveyard for the past 3 years or so. I remember when it was the last day of summer off from school and I was waiting to go to school the next day...not out of anticipation but pure dread.
This feeling is almost identical. Theres people i dont want to deal with, things i dont want to do and alot of bullshit to put up with... moreso than on graveyard shift. So now im sitting here after ironing my uniform and eating some scrambled eggs. The weather channel is on in the background and music is playing in the background. I hate it when im home and theres nothing to do but wait for work. It fucks with me, it really does. waiting to go to a place i hate, to be around people who have nothing better to do but get on my nerves. And when the day is done...go home to take care of the little things like chores, and then go to sleep because im so god-damned depressed and lonely...wake up and doit all over again until the weekend comes.
Then I work my second job to make ends meet, and repeat the same ritual with my normal job(eat,sleep). I hate my existence... Everything in life to me seems so unfufilling, empty and pointless. Alot of people would argue "find what you like doing and go with it" "or you have the power to change your life, youre in control..." Theyre partially right. I dont have any aspirations to do anything, ive been so fucked up mentally and drained i dont know what to do anymore except survive and make it to the next day. And no, im not being melodramatic, its my reality...a constant fucked up feeling of emptiness that i have to hide and pretend everything is all right so im not labled a whiner or so i dont alienate anyone else around me further. I do have the power to change it all though...but what use is a car if you have no gas in it?
At a basic level, all ive ever wanted was to be happy and to live without a struggle...its like everything and everyday is a struggle that i have to face on my own all the time. I wish that someone else was there at times to tell me it will all be ok, someone to make me laugh when everything is getting worse... but as time goes by i realize those are just T.V. show happily ever after wishes. Ive been alone so long that im beggining to think this is they way it will always be. Hope for a change or something big to happen is the only thing that keeps me looking forward to another day. everything and everyone else makes me want to give up...Current Mood:  apathetic Current Music: Soulmotor - "fallen" |
| » Assholes and handgernades |
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Why is it that wherever you are, or whatever you do, theres always that one asshole who's sole purpose in life seems to be to make yours miserable? I hate you fuck faces. ItS bad enough that i have to put up with a shitty ass job i hate...noooo, you have to fuck with me on a daily basis. and what makes it worse, youre so two faced.
The ones that burn me the most are the ones who claim to be your "friend" and act all cool with you. Yet the moment you tell them something, your buisiness is all out in the street. Or when you really need them when the shit hits the fan...theyre no where to be found. A perfect example was about a month ago when I was cooking dinner. I happened to cut my finger very bad to the point where a big part of it was hangin off my finger and every time i would breathe, blood would squirt.
I had blood all over the counter, all over the carpet and my shirt and after 10 minutes it didnt look like it would stop. so I start calling up my so called friends all of which either didnt answer their phone or claimed they were busy. Normally I'd drive myself but my car is a stick shift and its hard to drive when youre applying pressure to your hand so you dont bleed everywhere.... but i ended up driving with my knee on part of the steering wheel and the other to shift with. by the time i got to the hospital my passenger seat, steering wheel and gear shifter had blood all over it. Now granted I was a dumbass and should of payed attention more when using a razor sharp knife, the point is i was in a fucked up situation and no one was there to help.
Apr. 18th, 2005 @ 12:49 am
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| » mondays .....yeah mondays |
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Its the beggining of the week again, here on night shift. These days im still trying to figure out what to do for a living. My enlistment is officially up on Dec 28th. I sorta want to stay in, i just dont want to put up with the bullshit anymore... My beef isnt with military life, no, i love it. Steady paycheck, medical covered and money each month for food and rent. Its the fact that im in a job i hate and around people I hate. I try not to hate anyone, and anyone who knows me real well knows that. Everyone here is out for themselves and favoritism runs rampant. Its also the fact that when you do have cliques and favortism about, you cant say or do anything because of fear of being alienated from everyone you work with.
Over these past years work has been the only thing i have, the only place where i have human contact, because it takes up much of my time. If im not doing mandatory gym or appointments of some sort im working or sleeping. And yes i have to admit I do have time to do normal life things if i want... the thing is im always too mentally drained or depressed to do anything but sleep.
Ive learned that I shouldnt express my emotions or discuss anything bad going on in my life as much as possible. Because although most people think they care... in the end they dont. Thats why I've learned to accept lonliness. These 24 years Ive been alone and im beggining to think i always will be. I try to talk to people sometimes but they mostly dont hear me or ignore me, its like im invisible. I know with some people its because im light spoken, but others...there's no excuse.
I dont know what to do anymore or what to say. Its like everyday is a bad re-run of the last, just waiting and hoping my life will change. Im trying within the bounds of what i know... and so far i know that i cant do it all on my own, so every now and then i try to reach out, even though the result has been the same all these years. People come into my life, and no matter how much of a good friend or no matter how hard i try to keep in touch, they disappear. And because of that im at a level of apathy and anger that just seems to know no limits.
God knows im trying. But im beggining to think that people have a pre-determined destiny of some sort. A path that from the moment they are born, is set for them. I look at all these entertainers and athletes who came from nothing and think to myself, if they can do it , i can, that maybe all this suffering isnt for nothing, that maybe i can be a success story.
Im tired of living day to day wishing i could win the lottery so i can help out my family and live a better life... tired of wondering if theres actually a job where i can make a living without being stressed the fuck out everyday. Tired of the work, eat, sleep shower, shit routine.
Apr. 18th, 2005 @ 12:29 am
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